A few hours

In a few hours I will be getting on a plane to Houston via Chicago so I hope I don't get snowed in. I'm looking foward to getting to spend a day with my brother, my sister, my mom, and my neice and nephew.  I'm going by my dad's grave to have a conversation with him as well.  He past away almost 6 years ago and I've only been back once. It's hard when you live so far away. 

I'm going on this dream vacation, yet so many things seem to get in the way of me being estatic.  Earlier I was accused of "Giving" Alexis away to be raised by her stepmom.  I did NOT give my child away for her to be raised by someone else, I let her make her own choice as to what she thought would make her happy and that was to move away and get a fresh start where no one knew her.  That was hard to hear, as I would NEVER give up any of my children, but I did put her happiness first.  I love her and miss her so much, but it is what she wanted, so call me selfish if you want, but that was one of the  hardest things I had to do and I think it was pretty selfless of me, but everyone has their own opinion.

One day I will learn that I cannot make the world a happy place or to some that I reach out to only for them to turn a blind eye on me.  It doesn't matter what  I do, to some it will NEVER be good enough.  I've forgiven those I needed to forgive in my past, as forgiveness is about ME not about them, but it still hurts.  I've come along way in the past few months and being completely alone, it has given me plenty of time to reflect on me and only me (well after Logan goes to bed).   I know where I was at the beginning of the year, I know where I've been, I know the path I have taken and I know where I'm at now.  It doesn't matter what others think, it only matter what God thinks.  What I do have a hard time with is knowing when to give up and walk completely away from something I feel so strongly about.  I've tried to reach out to a friend on so many different levels and it becoming clearer by the day that maybe this person doesn't want to be my friend in any capacity.  I don't have to understand it, but I do have to accept it.  I have exhausted all physical possiblities, but I will never quit praying and doing what I can in the spiritual aspect of this friend.  I don't know what else to do.  It breaks my heart and hurts to know that I would give anything for this person to help them, yet they choose to not see for whatever reason. I have learned that I don't have to be good enough for any human on this earth, just my Father in Heaven whom I have to answer to. 

I'm really looking forward to seeing another part of the world that God has created, to take everything in and reflect on everything I am about to experience and see. I can't change the world, but I can change the way I see things and the way God is trying to communicate with me.  I will continue to pray for my friend, whom I love dearly, for direction, peace and happiness, all in the name of Jesus Christ. One day I WILL BE good enough for someone, to love me and respect me for me being me and the next time will be for all the right reasons!! 

Good Night!